FIVE WAYS TO DESTROY YOUR EMPLOYEES' MORALE

Is morale too high at your business? Are employees smiling? Do they happily work unpaid overtime? Do they take on tasks outside their prescribed responsibilities, just for the good of the team? What are you thinking? What would the French say?

Well, help is on the way. With just a few simple steps, you can put morale in the toilet. Best of all, it won't save you a dime! It is a little-known secret that many of the things that raise morale cost an employer little to no money and need no organization or oversight.This means that you, as an employer, or "LEADER," can crush these nasty outbreaks of selflessness WITHOUT SAVING ANY TIME OR MONEY! Just follow the suggestions below.

1. IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF DUMPING ON YOUR OWN CULTURE.

Are you allowing your company to develop its own personality? Are there unique, even quirky things about the way your people accomplish tasks? Do you have people working for you who exhibit a level of personal style that virtually amounts to a brand, that gives your business a memorable flavor? ROOKIE MISTAKE! Let that kind of thing continue for very long and you will have workers who not only take joy in what they do but create a buzz among potential customers. Why not take the easy step of idolizing a mindless corporate giant with a boiler-plate culture and demanding that all of your employees conform? Better still, insist that they mimic this expensive, corporate lifestyle WITHOUT GIVING THEM AN EXTRA DIME WITH WHICH TO DO IT! And, of course, do not actually name your Fortune 500 hero. In fact, deny that you are slavishly Xeroxing anyone at all. This works especially well if even a blind pig in a forest fire could see that it is a lie. In no time, your workers will be staring grimly across their coffee cups and muttering to themselves like up-and-coming psychopaths.

2. CREATE A FLAT ORGANIZATION - FLATTEN YOUR EMPLOYEES WITH TOP-DOWN DECISION MAKING.

When making decisions that affect the day-to-day functioning of your employees, do you ask ahead of time how they might feel about it or how it might affect them? Worse still, do you actually solicit their input as though the people actually doing the work might be in the best position to decide how it should be done? BIG MISTAKE! Such actions only send the message that your employees are skilled professionals with job-specific knowledge. This will amp up their morale and have them taking pride in their work. The next thing you know, they'll be smiling and humming as they come in early and skip lunch to complete a project. Instead, simply announce major decisions with no advanced warning, let alone input, and stifle any subsequent discussion. Or, if you want to take it to the virtuoso level, hold meetings to let them air grievances, nod, smile, thank them. . .AND THEN IGNORE THEIR INPUT COMPLETELY! Faster than you can say, "Slacker," they will be slipping in late, sneaking out early, and playing Candy Crush in between.

3. THE (PUBLIC) MEDIUM IS THE (PRIVATE) MESSAGE

If you need to have a difficult conversation with an employee, don't make the mistake of sitting down with that person one-on-one, in a private setting, looking him or her in the eye, and stating the problem in a forthright manner. WHERE IS THE PASSIVE AGGRESSION? WHERE IS THE MANIPULATION? WHERE IS THE SHAMING? Have you never read "The Scarlet Letter"? Those old Puritans knew how to get things done: the stocks and the scaffold! Delivering a rebuke in private only encourages the recipient to state the other side of the issue and there's no telling where that can lead! You could end up deciding you are wrong and the employee is right, and actually modifying your own expectations! Even in a best-case scenario, the employee is liable to feel valued, to have increased respect for you, and to modify the undesirable behavior! Instead, call a meeting and make sure that the person to whom you are talking  (or actually - and here's the real fun - about whom you are talking) is the only one present to whom your remarks apply. This way you can deliver a negative message while not only disrespecting the employee yourself, but multiplying the disrespect by the number of people in the room. It will also fuel gossip in the hallways later, which further lowers morale.

4. HEADS I WHACK YOURS, TAILS I KICK YOURS.

This is a very effective and highly amusing bait-and-switch. If your company is small, make sure you stress to your employees that they suffer all the disadvantages of that status while simultaneously placing on them all the disadvantages of working for a corporate giant. This is much easier than it might seem. For instance, when requiring them to perform duties outside of their job description, or to work extra hours, announce that because your business is small, everyone must pitch in. However, when employees complain that communication is mechanical or you yourself are unavailable, explain that if the business is ever to grow, you must begin to adopt the model of Megacorp Unlimited. Explain that wages are low because you are small, but that regimentation is large because you want to grow. Remember, you must simultaneously LENGTHEN THE STICK and SHRINK THE CARROT. Keep this up long enough and your workers will realize that they have the worst of both worlds. Before you know it, they will envy employees of BOTH large AND small companies: ANYWHERE will seem like a better place to work than your business! A fun tweak on this approach is to demand that your workers contribute financially to the mission. Make an emotional speech about how you are a feisty little group, a regular little-engine-that-could, and how every member of the team must show that he or she believes in the dream. For added fun, stress that salary-reduction gifts are entirely voluntary, but publish the names of those who do - and, by default, do not - participate!

5. EXECUTIONS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES. 

Perhaps your company currently has some formal structure for employees to register complaints. This is a good idea but must be handled with skill. If the process is reasonably straight-forward, does not demand incredible amounts of energy and time, and actually has the potential to lead to some action, you are only going to increase morale. Instead, set up a grievance structure that requires the employee to devote a huge amount of effort and emotional capital in a manner that is high profile within the organization (the better to brand the worker as a whiner) and will only result in the same person (you!) who made the original decision ruling on the complaint! Of course, only the stupidest employee will fail to see that this is a ruse. However, it gives you the opportunity to say to a disgruntled member of the team, "Well, of course you know you are welcome to go through the grievance process." This will anger your worker beyond all belief because your hypocrisy is simultaneously blatant and unassailable! Again, if you feel ready for the advanced level of this step, create mandatory employee surveys. Make them anonymous but require demographic information about position and length of employment that form an unassailable trail of breadcrumbs leading back to the person filling out the survey. This way, you can force employees either to tell the truth and hang themselves, or to give you top marks on everything and hate themselves.

So there you have it! It is never necessary to have high employee morale. Making your workers feel like crap is easy and fun. It will, of course, hurt business, but then you have the treat of blaming the workers' bad attitudes for the impending crash.